The Icarus Project

The Bipolar World By Sascha Altman DuBrul

This guy started that site, I’m about to read his book.

I was told (I already knew – I just didn’t feel the need to name it) that I “show bipolar tendencies” the other day and it freaked me out. Just to name it scared me. I show tendencies – I’m like “bipolar light”. The diet cola of bipolar.

I had so many questions when he told me. “Will it get worse with age?” “Will it get worse at all?” “Will it go away?” “Will I be able to function alright?”

I got no answers. Just the name of a drug that can slow the cycle of my ups and downs. “Will it make me depressed longer?”

Its name is “Lamotrigine” or “Lamictal”. I haven’t researched it yet. But its a long term drug. I don’t like the idea of being on something for a long time.

I know its partly genetic but I know I get triggered from a whole bunch of things. I went to a party in February up here in NY and things went… not so well with an ex-girlfriend. Over the next two weeks I started to crash and then I stopped functioning. I wouldn’t even get up in the morning, or do anything I wanted to do. It happened again when finals came around. I did manage to get studying for one class done (and what a lot of studying it was), but after that I just stopped studying, and then I stopped doing things in the morning, the I stopped getting up. I was a wreck by the time finals came around but I managed to pull my self up and go take all of them. And then… lots of emotion – I had to move and I wasted another year of college – all sorts of thoughts, just that was enough but things were going bad with my ex-girlfriend and I ended up having panic attacks… I was on a “down” note at the time.

After I moved to Ny was “up” pretty much until about 2 weeks ago when I started missing work and not sleeping right. I don’t always get triggered but… it doesn’t usually doesn’t take much.

I’m on my way “up” right now, I’m going to yoga tomorrow night. Working all day. Probably cleaning a little more – get rid of some junk and maybe that broken bookshelf. I’m hoping I can have my self together a little more before I start to crash again, when ever that’s going to happen.

It’s just been something thats been on my mind. Something I’ve been thinking about.


2 thoughts on “The Icarus Project

  1. Your body is very smart. When you have symptoms, it is your body screaming, “Pay attention to me.” When do they come on? Have you been cutting out sleep, nutrition, meditation, recreation ?

    You can even out the ups and downs by listening to yourself, before your body screams. But you need to make yourself a priority.

    And THAT will help you more than Lamactil.

  2. What are you talking about? My body doesn’t scream for attention. I get muscle aches when I start coming back to my self sometimes.. but.. its just me moving again.

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