Mysterious And Reassuring

Why do I feel like instantly crying when someone is hurt or lost on television or in the stories I read? I feel like crying out when someone is about to do something stupid. “He’s wearing a wire!” when Tony Soprano is talking to the snitch from season one. “The bridge is going to collapse!” when a character from one of my favorite tv shows is about to run over it to escape capture from the general bad guys.

But after it happens, they live, they die, either way. I almost instantly snap back and move on. I guess because it generally doesn’t matter in the end. Its only stories.


Life is the journey

Yesterday my car wouldn’t start. I finally got jumped and then didn’t have a problem after that but it worried me. I didn’t get to go down to rowan because of it. Today my dad’s car broke down and left my mother stranded in Queens. I went and got her in my car, had no problems, a nice ride. I had pizza with my mother, an Indian pizza place. Good stuff.

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I got to say something.

I was watching episode 3 of the Sopranos. Six minutes and thirty six seconds into the episode I hear.

“Get kicked out of concert singers and there goes our best extra curricular”
“Good bye Berkley hello Glassboro State.”

What’s the matter with Glassboro state?


I’ll stop asking for money.

I’m kinda happy “Bittersweet Symphony” by the Verve just played. That song used to bring up a swell of emotions when I heard it. I used to play it over and over, the song its self doesn’t evoke much. It is pretty though.

I took off the collected money for camp on the left side. My parents are covering it. Which is good considering I’m watching my brother, paying for food and actually driving him (And jenny and one of her sisters.) up to camp. I also plan to cook a lot. When I do I’ll have to kick Jenny out of the cabin though. She’d end up taking the food away from me because she didn’t like how I stirred or something. I’m also thoroughly ready to take everyone out to dinner if I mess it all up too. =p

I’m going to be revamping in a few days (I make so many promises.) but I wanted to give you all a sneak peak just goto and look for your self. Right now you won’t see anything more then the installation instructions but in a few .. in some time I’ll have a functioning site.

One of my other ongoing projects has been the painting and modding of my desktop case. I just got the rest of the pain I needed today. Once I get the bad paint (Keep “Acrylic Latex” on your walls kids.) removed from my plastic (easier said then done) I’ll get a nice black coat applied and then I can get my creative juices flowing. I’d post pictures but this brings me onto my next topic of discussion.

I’m finally getting a new charger for my camera and the pictures section of this site working again.

In the last post I mentioned I was attracted to a link “here” where “here” contained no link. Let me get that one for you. *HERE*. Sorry for the confusion.

I went and got my paint today at perl paint (A very quaint painting store, albeit large and probably one of the best. I was told in order to exchange my paint I’d need to get flogged first. I agreed. I mean it is a pain in the ass to work with inventory.) on Canal street. From there I skated down broadway into the City Hall area. I skated past “Five Points” where “Gangs of New York” took place. I skated past where the murder on wednesday took place. You wouldn’t even know anything happened there today. I past a tour bus full of tourists and waved back at some people. They looked mid-western. I stopped by J&R Computer World and found them to be as utterly useless as they were years ago when I used to go there everyday. I woke up late today but I’m glad it wasn’t totally wasted.


Blue Man Group

Alright First off I have to say I’m really attracted to this link here. Second I’d like to quote from one of its comments concerning Burning Man.

“Go to a museum. Find one of Salvador Dali’s more disturbing but beautiful paintings. Climb inside it.”

Secondly I want to touch on the things I keep forgetting to mention.
Now I hate to sound like I’m joking but… I keep forgetting things, like what happened last week, or what I did yesterday. Things like that. I think its the paxil. But.. I honestly don’t know how long this has been going on. I don’t remember. =D

I got my comforter back. It was in the wash, I missed it. I had unfortunately never washed it before nor did I have a cover. So Friday I brought it over to Carol Cleaners and had it washed. I also got a comforter cover from my mother. I hope its still quite as soft as it was before.

I got skates today. Like the inline kind. (I believe they’re called roller blades on the street :-p) I love them so much. I used to wear them all the time years ago. Me and my brother used to wear them more then our shoes. I can’t wait until I get good on them again. I wore them around the apartment tonight, only crashed once. I want to go around the park a few times.

God I love Muddy Waters. If your not familiar with blues then your doing something wrong.

And don’t forget the tina. (Tribute to a good friend not named Tina.)

Tina the Troubled Teen


I totally forgot to mention that I want to go see the Blue Man Group on August 3rd. It starts at 8 pm and cost $65. It aint cheap but I hear its worth it. If you want to go let me know (email, phone, aim anything, you can even just click contact at the top of this page. I think.. Yes you can.) but don’t buy your ticket yet we got a few weeks and if it doesn’t pan out you might be left going alone. I really want to go and its going to be lots of fun. I guess I need an excuse to get sweaty, dance to loud music, and get blue paint all over my self. Its good to do with friends I think. Anyway get in touch.

Muddy Waters

I wish I could write more but it is far to late to get a good entry started. If you get a chance go listen to some good blues music, like Muddy Waters for example. I also found out today that I weigh 199 pounds. Thats not me. I think I’m going to go buy roller blades tomorrow if I get a chance. My target weight is maybe 175, but honestly its not like I want to stop at a target. I just want to feel fit.

My withdrawal effects are lessening. I felt good pretty much all day today except for after dinner where the “zaps” came back. I also get that vertigo feeling pretty easy. But I think I’ll be good to roller blade and drive and do all those other fast flying activities come tomorrow. Which is good because I’m driving out to my brother (Who I may add is coming home rather soon. =) tomorrow and I want to be able to drive out to him.

I know I’ve claimed this before but I’m going to bed. Good night all.


Paxil – The mind killer.

I’d like to first take a moment to say that you don’t really need to give me money. While I don’t want to pay $450 for a week of camping its not like I’m saving homeless puppies or something with that money. Hopefully Jenny and my parents will find some cash to give me to help foot the bill. Now onto the important stuff.

I’ve been taking paxil for around 4 months and thursday (with out knowing what I was jumping into) I stopped. I didn’t just go cold turkey. For the last few weeks I’ve been lowering my dosage and I have talked with my doctor about quitting. Also in recent news paxil has been quoted having suicidal withdrawal effects. I’m quite aware of them and I’m quite against me dying. That effect occurs in the most extreme cases and I am not one of them.

Thursday I went to work. My parent volunteer told me the previous day that he finished up the lot of work I gave him and had to go find a paying job. I wished him good luck and thanked him for his help (which was quite a lot). But I was all alone now. Around midday I started to freak out a little thinking that I was going to stay alone and that nobody wanted to be around me but I realized that it was the meds (or lack of) talking and slapped my self out of it. I was a little off center the rest of the day but other wise I was normal.

Friday I woke up really late feeling drugged. I was quite dizzy and had a hard time saying or doing anything. I was going to meet an old friend at work around 4 so I got up and dragged my self to work around 3:30. We went and saw Pixar’s “Finding Nimo” which was a good movie full of family dynamics and the such but I had already felt like I was swimming before we got in the theater. When we left I felt like I had fell head first onto a boat on a stormy night. I almost fell over a few times but I finally got home and to sleep around 9 P.M.

So today is saturday how am I doing? Lets say I now understand what’s going on with me. I stumbled upon a site called QuitPaxil.Org its got small wealth of information and testimonials on quitting and taking paxil. To be thoroughly honest if I had found this site before taking paxil I may not have taken it. But you know I was in a bad state and I had been there a little while. I may have needed the help that paxil gave me to get out of it. But I don’t need it now. Anyway a few of my friends told me to go talk to my doctor about the withdrawal effects, and I can’t say I knew if what I was feeling was normal or not. You can find the complete list of effects that you may feel here. What I’m feeling I’ve listed below (text stolen right from the pre-mentioned site.)

My Withdrawal Symptoms
extreme confusion during waking hours This extreme isn’t the word I’d use but I’m not running on all 8 cylinders if you know what I mean.
memory and concentration problems I’ll attribute this to feeling like I haven’t slept in years and the big headache I have.
severe mood swings, esp. heightened irritability/ anger. Maybe… a bit. Doesn’t really seam so but I apologize if I do.
an unconventional dizziness/vertigo This is so fucked up. If I had to describe this whole experience in a nut shell it would be this with a headache. When it says “Unconventional” it means it. I’ve been dizzy before but this is just such an odd feeling.
the feeling of shocks, similar to mild electric one, running the length of your body The “Zaps” as people call them. Its odd. I get it when I move around, like when I’m walking. My arms or my foot or the side of my head or something sorta go numb for a moment and I feel this “Zap” for lack of a better word. It’s quite odd.
an unsteady gait Well since I’m kinda dizzy this is a given.
slurred speech Heh heh, umm… kinda yea – goes with the being tired and dizzy and all.
headaches They suck.
hypersensitivity to motion, sounds, smells. They just add to the headache. Nothing along the lines of driving me over the edge or anything.
decreased appetite I feel kinda week so I think I should be eating right? When I was on the paxil my stomach was upset all the time. About 7 hours after I had taken the pill I’d get some severe stomach pain and about a half an hour in the bathroom. Once I started decreasing my dosage it went away and I was left feeling nothing in my stomach like I do now. So I don’t know what I’m supposed to be feeling down there. I’m going to try to keep eating 3 meals a day but I hear I shouldn’t push it. More on this later.

A while back when I was on a higher dosage I forgot to take the stuff for 2 days. (I thought I had but wasn’t sure.) I had some of the other withdrawal effects like the panic attacks and the “steady feeling of existing outside of reality as you know it (referred to as depersonalization at times)” it was sure messed up. Anyway I should be functional in a few days and back to normal (I’ve been away from there for so long I’d like to know what it’s like.) in a week or two.

In other news I’m getting my comforter dry cleaned for the first time ever. When I get it back it will be nice and squeaky clean and I’m putting it in a cover so I don’t need to spend $35 and 4 days getting it cleaned ever again. I’ll miss it. *sniff*