Fighting Insomnia

The Onion is hardly ever correct, not on purpose anyway.

Fighting Insomnia linked to me by Jason.

“Insomnia the chronic inability to fall and remain asleep affects roughly 20 percent of American adults. Here are some tips to get a better night’s sleep.”

Here are a few of my favorites.

  • Although it’s tempting to use liquor as a cure for chronic sleeplessness, be warned: Liquor is quite expensive.
  • Getting more exercise can help combat insomnia. If you suffer from sleeplessness, try shuffling from the bed to the kitchen, opening and shutting the refrigerator door, and shuffling back to bed.
  • If you are going to take pills to help you sleep, be sure you take enough to knock yourself out. Watching Good Morning America while sleep-deprived and tranquilized is a hellish experience.
  • Use your bed for sleeping only. Conduct all reading, eating, phone calls, and sexual relations on the kitchen table.
  • If you got less than three hours of sleep the previous night, it’s important to inform everyone you meet of that fact all day long.
  • Remember: Insomnia is only a problem if you are employed or have a reason to live.

-Francis

3 thoughts on “Fighting Insomnia

  1. I liked the back alley hustling for Ambien part myself.

    But what I am envisioning and someone should invent is a full-spectrum dawn simulator alarm light, with bird noises as the dawn program ends, and two essential oil diffusers to send out lavender (for sleeping) around midnight and lemon/lemongrass (with a hint of black pepper) to wake you up. It also needs a cd player for sleep hypnosis music and maybe a dusk light and lavender simulator for your computer room.

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